Mother Of 5 Passes Herself

Heather Molloy of Portlaoise actually passed herself on the road this weekend. On Saturday, after dropping her son Brendan to rugby, Dónal to swimming and Mairéad to ballet, on her way to collect Sinead from horse riding and Michael from drama group, she saw a familiar battered old Toyota Avensis coming towards her. She recognised the tired, worn out face grimly hanging over the steering wheel as her own.

“I spend so much time ferrying those little feckers around, I finally met meself on the road!” exclaimed Heather, from her car window. She had no time for further comment as she had to pick up the Communion dress from the dry cleaners and be back in time to cook dinner for ‘himself’.


Dalkey Mother Horrified At Having To Entertain Kids For The Summer

Dalkey fashionista and general trend setter (her description) Muireann Taylor-Hastings-Jennings, has expressed her dismay at the thought of actually having her 3 children around the house for 2 whole months in the summer.

“I mean, what am I supposed to do with them? Can’t the teachers just do their focking jobs and keep working through the year like everyone else?” proclaimed the unemployed, well-kept trophy wife who never worked a day in her sunbed tanned life (but I’m not bitter).

“Yes, I have 2 nannies – 1 for the twins Tobias and Shneachta, and 1 for lady Anastacia, but if they’re looking after the brats, who is going to book my focking manicures and put my gin in the fridge when I forget to?? I may as well be an animal!” she sobbed into her fur dressing gown.


Local Man Thinks He’s The Shit

Richard Byrne, a 43 year old father from Aughrim, honestly believes he is ‘the shit’ after painting a red stripe down the side of his black people carrier and attaching a red spoiler from Lidl. For those of you from a younger generation, the deluded sad sack thinks his Ford Galaxy now resembles the van from his favourite childhood TV show ‘The A-Team’. Unfortunately for Richard (or ‘Hannibal’ as he now wants to be called) there are not many ex-army generals running drugs or illegal arms trades in Wicklow, so his crack commando skills aren’t called into action very often.


Granny At A Loose End

Reports are coming in of an elderly lady wandering the streets of Navan in a state of disarray. Unconfirmed sources say Imelda O’Driscoll was left in a confused state after she missed the death notices on the local radio station. Imelda mis-timed her morning trip to the bathroom and now has no idea who’s dead and what funerals she can gate crash. Her day now devoid of any meaning, she was last seen hanging around the local funeral parlour and chasing a hearse towards the cemetery