Grannies To March On The Dáil

Grannies are to stage a protest outside government buildings today to demand equal pay for babysitting. Norberta O’Houlihan claims she is owed €374,692 from her son (and that wagon he’s married to) for 15 years of child-minding, school runs and sleepovers.

When asked her reasons for marching, Norberta replied, “Why shouldn’t I get the same as some young wan still in secondary school who spends the time staring at her phone when she should be minding the little brats?!!” The protest is expected to cause traffic delays as it will be moving incredibly slowly. However, it will be short-lived as the participants want to be home to see Daniel and Majella visiting a B&B in Ballydehob this evening.


Teenagers To Receive Massive Pensions

Following on from the revelations last week that Enda Kenny will get a pension of €126,000 p.a., young lads who spend 4 weeks on a building site this summer are also set to receive €100k per year for doing next to nothing. Nurses, Gardaí, fire fighters and other people who do actual real work are to get fuck all. In fact their wages are to be cut to pay for the politician’s extra pension bonuses.


Local Court News

90’s dance act 2 Unlimited appeared in court last week accused of traveling at 87 km per hour in a 50 km zone. When the judge asked if they had anything to say in response to the charges, they stated “No no, no no no no, no no no no, no no there’s no limits”. Judge Trevor McTreverson assured them that there are limits, both in terms of speed on local roads and his patience.

Next week sees Rhythm take a slander case against the band Snap, who have accused him of being ‘a Dancer’.

A jury was unable to determine what the Spice Girls wanted – what they really, really wanted.

And finally, the remaining members of the girl group TLC were given a stern warning after they ignored their own advice and persistently and repeatedly chased waterfalls, an activity that is both ridiculous and pointless (as waterfalls generally are not that difficult to catch).

In a related story, researchers in Limerick have translated and deciphered all of the words to ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’, ‘Macarena’ and ‘Mmm-bop’ only to discover that they are in fact, the same song. They are all versions of Bryan Adam’s hit ‘Everything I Do, I Do It For You’.

Good luck getting that out of your head for the rest of the day.