Posters being viciously torn down in Tipperary

Locals in Clonmel, Co Tipperary were dismayed last week that posters were being torn off lamp posts, despite reassurances from Fossett’s Circus that their clowns were not taking sides in the referendum. While neither the ‘Yes’ nor the ‘No’ side has taken responsibility, both sides agree that clowns are “creepy as hell” and “circuses are bollocks now ‘coz they don’t have tigers an’ shit…”


Power walkers wielding too much power cause grevious bodily harm

3 men, 1 child and a dog suffered head injuries in Dungarvan today in what Gardaí are describing as “an unfortunate incident” (which means they can’t be arsed to do anything about it). All of the victims received their injuries from a pair of Lycra-clad, middle-aged women power walking on the bypass, swinging their arms in a reckless and overly vigorous manner. There has been an increase in these types of incidents, with one walker dislocating both her own shoulders when she went too fast downhill, while another battered the back of her own head with her bingo wings. Slow the fuck down Sheila, ‘tis not the Olympics!


Mother of 6 being treated simultaneously for severe sunburn and frostbite

Marietta Ní Colastiga from the Gaeltacht region got carried away with the couple of days of good weather we had, slathering herself in baby oil before lying on a bed of tinfoil in the garden to “get a bit of colour”. When the rain and low temperatures returned 24 hours later, Marietta refused to come indoors, insisting that summer had arrived. Doctors say that while she may lose most of her toes, it is very satisfying picking off the peeling skin.


Motorists warned about elderly men in ill-fitting cycling gear on the roads of Ireland

We are entering geriatric cycling season anyway, but Sam Bennett’s recent stage win in the Giro d’Italia (I don’t know who he is either) seems to have ‘inspired’ more overweight silver spinners to squeeze themselves into Lycra shorts and tops, and spend insane money on bikes they can’t cycle. The seasoned pros are easy to spot, wearing the multi-coloured cycling goggles over their bifocals, slipping down on their whiskey noses above their grey, soup-stained moustaches. Motorists have been warned to give plenty of room to these aging Sean Kelly wannabies as they haven’t a fucking clue how to use their expensive bikes. Also do not look directly at them – the side-to-side motion of their clearly-visible butt cracks can be hypnotic.