My body was shaking with pain. A physical pain that travelled around my body stopping here and there to make me hurt more. I needed this pain; I needed to feel something. The numbness I had been feeling was taking my fight away.
The mental pain stayed still. It grated my heart, little by little. Each time a small piece would fall off never to be replaced. Small cracks that can never be healed.
This was the only time I bowed my head in my life and allowed the hurt to take me apart, piece by piece.
How can I ever rebuild?
I lay with my head beside yours, completely exhausted, wanting to just give in. I wanted to stop fighting; for me, for you, for us. I just couldn’t give up. But I wanted to.
This broken body was built to never stop fighting. It is so draining, always fighting. Why couldn’t I just stand up and walk away? Why couldn’t I take the easy path?
I whispered in your little ear, “You’re not leaving me, not after all of this. I will not let you. You’re mine! And I love you even though I don’t know you...”
The more I whispered in your ear, the more I believed it. A small light shone in a dark room. The beeps, the endless wires coming from your little body. How did they know what was what?
That night, I bargained with every almighty God. I did deals with the devil like he was stood in front of me.
“Leave him here, I beg of you!”
The lights went on and the Angels began to strut towards us. They where taking you home.
I’ll never be sure who took my deal but no doubt when my time comes…I will meet my maker.