“Hi Joan, sorry I’m late! I was running around like a blue-arsed fly trying to find a parking space. Twice I was about to pull into a spot and it got nabbed. Jesus, I was fit to kill someone! Anyway, how are you?”

“I’m grand! Sit down there Mrs and take a load off. What do you want to drink?”

“Oh just coffee for me, I’m driving. I could murder a drink right now though…”

“Yeah, I heard what happened at your soiree the other night!”

“Joan. Don’t get me started. I mean, is a civilised evening gathering really the place to be fighting over your mother’s family heirlooms?? Jack’s sister Mary has always been an arse but the other night took the biscuit. I nearly feckin died!”

“How did it all kick off?”

“So, she was coming back from the loo (I use the term ‘loo’ loosely cos she’s a nosy feckin bitch and always using her bladder as an excuse to snoop about our house!). Anyway, didn’t she spot the bit of Newbridge that Jack’s mother left me in her will last year? You know that fabulous set of napkin rings I always had my eye on? So she spots them, grabs them off the sideboard, comes out into the garden and starts screaming blue murder at me! In front of everyone!”

“Jesus Christ!”

“I know! Well you know me, never one to shy away from confrontation. So I grabbed them and shouted ‘From my cold dead hands!’ And we ended up wrestling over the bloody napkin rings for about 5 minutes!”

“What happened then?”

“Well Jack was pretty morto by that stage cos everyone was watching us, obviously! He gave Mary a killer stare and she eventually let go of her death-grip on them. She went home after that – not before staggering off and puking into my pot of Begonias though!”

“For feck sake! Some people have no class. So have you seen her since?”

“Are you kidding me, Joan? After the scene she caused?? She’s dead to me now!”

“Ah that’s a tad harsh don’t you think?”

“Is it heck! It took me ages to scrub that puke off the patio; I was dead on my feet after it. And she flashed Jack’s boss. Again!”

“That’s just awkward.”

“It is when his 90 year old mother was standing behind him! Over my dead body is she getting into my house again!”

“Jaysus…Hang on, here’s the waiter. What are you having?”

“Make mine a Bloody Mary!”