“Morning girl, how are you?”

“I’ve had better days to be honest.”

“Why? What’s going on, are you okay?”

“Eh, no, I’m in so much pain. I got a Mirina coil put in. Jesus Christ, talk about uncomfortable.”

“Oh really? I heard they are a great form of contraception though.”

“Yeah well it better be worth the torture I went through this morning. The doctor who put it in was German and her English wasn’t great, it was like she was shouting the instructions at me. She asked how many natural births I had had and when I said three, she said there should be plenty of room to get the coil in there!”

“No way!”

“I swear to God. Like I’m lying there, legs spread feeling vulnerable and she’s shouting; ‘NOW VE VILL PLACE THIS INSIDE AND CLAMP DOWN ON YOUR UTERUS SO PREPARE FOR THE PAIN!’ Jesus. I mean my vagina has been through enough. I feel like if my vagina could speak, she would want need hours of counselling. Why couldn’t my husband just get the snip? It’s only fair he should suffer.”

“Ah come on, it’s a mans world! They don’t want anyone touching their precious bits but us, on the other hand! I mean here you are sitting in a coffee shop feeling violated and sore, all because you don’t want the worry of getting pregnant!”

“It gets worse too; I made the mistake of Googling Mirena coil and all these women were on these comment boards saying it made them bat-shit crazy. Like I feel crazy enough without any extra hormone induced crazy thrown in with this thing.”

“What were you thinking going on Google? Stay away! I got myself in an awful state last week, totally and utterly convinced I had cancer. I mean I had Googled all the symptoms. By the way, it doesn’t matter what symptoms you have, everything leads to cancer. I had to stock up on rescue remedy, I couldn’t sleep or anything.”

“And so what made you stop stressing?”

“My husband told me if I really did have cancer I’d be way skinnier than I am. Hahahahaa! Cheeky fucker. He does have a point though. We are both way too fat to have cancer. That kind of eased my mind.”

“Yeah, Google has a lot to answer for; no wonder we are all riddled with anxiety. Come here, I have to go. I need to buy some nurofen, my poor uterus feels like it has been in the wars. I’ll see you later.”

“Alright girl, best of luck. And stay off Google!”