“Morning girl… Oh my God, you look awful! Are you okay?”

“Oh Jesus, where do I start? It has been a long week!”

“Why? What’s happened? Sit down and I will get you a coffee.”

“Make it a strong one…”

“There you go, get that into you. You look so pale”

“Thank you. So remember last week I was telling you about getting the Mirena coil?”

“I do, yes. Oh Lord, what has happened to you? The curiosity is killing me!”

“Well two days after I had the coil put in I started to feel a bit funny down there, if you get me?”

“No I don’t, but please continue.”

“I felt like it was falling out. So I rang the doctor and he said to me there was no way it was falling out, I was just being paranoid. He told me to pop into the surgery at 6pm for the last appointment and he would check it. So off I hobbled to the surgery that afternoon like I had a chopstick stuck up there!”

“Sweet Jesus girl, this is just not right. I am terrified where this story is going!”

“Anyway, I was the last person there, just me and the doctor. Up on the table I hopped. He inserted the thingy-majig to open your bits.”

“I feel sick, but go on…”

“He reckoned it was just the strings hanging down and he would trim them. The thoughts of getting a trim down there was not appealing. But he was adamant. He had no scissors suitable in his room, so he toddled off upstairs to get one. I’m left there there on the bed, uterus open and exposed to the world!”

“This is like something on TV! Go on, tell me more”

“So I am lying there and I begin to hear noises. No messing. I could hear my name been called. I was freaked out.”

“Was it a ghost??”

“No you gob shite! It wasn’t a ghost; although I did think for a second it might be, it is an old building. I kept hearing it over and over. Just my name been called.”

“What did you do?”

“I got up off the bed with the thingy-majig still in my whoo-hoo, a pink blanket around my waist to protect my modesty (what I had left!) and walked like John Wayne out to the waiting area to where the door to upstairs was. I opened it and there stood the doctor with a big red face and a scissors in his hand! I looked at him in disbelief. Honestly, this happened! The doctor had locked himself out of the downstairs surgery!!”

“Oh my God, what a gob shite!! And what happened next?”

“I said to him this was like seeing a doctor in Fawlty Towers! I laughed; he did not. But you know me, I always laugh at my own jokes.”

“Sure you’re hilarious!”

“Anyway, as I was walking back into the surgery the coil fell out onto the floor. Plop! In plain sight. I had given birth to a coil. I didn’t even have to push!”

“It did not. I do not believe you. Sweet Jesus girl, you must have been mortified?!”

“Honestly? No, I wasn’t embarrassed. I was just glad I was right. I knew it was falling out!”

“What did you say to him?”

“I just turned to him and said, ‘Now see, I told you it was falling out!’ His face changed colour from red to white to almost grey! I thought I’d have to resuscitate him. But I could not stop laughing. I think he thought I had lost it! But you know me, a sick sense of humour.”

“Yes! Anyone else would have sued him. So did he put it back in?”

“No he did not! I am back on the pill and the other half is booked in for the snip. I’ve been through enough trauma; three babies and the birth of a Mirena coil!”

“You’re dead right, hubby’s turn to suffer now! Ha ha!”

“So how did it end?”

“Well, it turned out I needed an antibiotic as the coil had torn the inside of my uterus. The doc gave me the prescription and I told him to go for a drink, he needed one. He couldn’t speak, the poor man. There I was comforting him! I left the surgery laughing, walking a bit funny if I’m honest. I went straight to the off licence and bought two bottles of wine!”

“But what about your antibiotic?”

“I started that the next day. I NEEDED A DRINK!”